Kim, Kris, and The Fight

TMZ is reporting that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are locked in a battle over what to call the end of their marriage. Is it a divorce or an annulment? In the end, it really doesn’t matter so how do we explain this seeming silliness? For Kim and Kris the real issue – who gets what – is already decided. Its all laid out in a lengthy pre-nup. So why are they fighting? Actually, a fight serves a purpose for a divorcing couple and is often a critical part of the process and the key to finding closure. Of course, I believe that the fight is best staged in a mediator’s office and not in a courtroom with attorney assistance. But, Kim and Kris don’t see it my way. Here are the five functions the divorce fight serves:

1. The fight enables partners to determine if reconciliation is possible. In Kim’s case, its reported that Kris had hopes of reconciliation until he saw how dirty the fight was going to get.

2. The fight provides a forum for exposing past hurts. And, sadly, for these two, that exposure will be public.

3. The fight confirms that the spouse is no longer part of the team and instead wants to take care of him/her self. Did Kim and Kris sit down and conspire to get the maximum exposure (and ratings) for their split? I can only hope so. But, if this is not just a show, it sure proves that they are no longer on the same team.

4. The fight keeps the connection alive until the lesser connected partner is ready to let go. If one of these two was really ready to let go then s/he would say “OK, have it your way – divorce, annulment, no difference, just get me out.” Clearly, neither of them is ready to do that.

5. The fight enable each spouse to avoid looking at him/herself and their individual failures. Right now Kim and Kris are all about finger pointing. While this can serve to lessen guilt and feelings of failure, maturity brings the ability to take responsibility for one’s mistakes.

Keep in mind that each divorce, each couple, and each fight, is unique. My hope for Kim and Kris is that they are able to structure their fight so that it is an opportunity for self-discovery . If nothing else, their next partners are watching. And, an emotionally healthy new mate will not find a big, ugly, and stupid battle attractive.